depressioan

I think that the problem is the season. Holidays and  my birthday are just a bad time of year. I have been  feeling worse and worse since Nov.  I  don't think I've felt this dysphoria so pronounced and for such a length of time.  A month of not being able to shove it behind me has been almost too much.  I know of nothing that will help. I still don't want to do anything about changing. It's a damned if you do or don't thing.  I did decide to keep track of this on the blog. So

The worst dysphoria started the week before solstice.

What was I doing? Not much, a little shopping, Reading Strange and Norrell fanfic. I'd been reading Snape fanfic though and that is about when it started really hurting.
Reading trash? Not getting enough exercise? The sheer stupidity and uselessness and hopelessness of my life

Until this morning, it continued badly. I even thought of calling the hotline but I know there is no solution except waiting the worst of the depression out. And I would end up feeling like I was taking someones time from someone who really needed help. I know I can get through this. I will distract myself with something new soon. The joys of having a chicken brain.
 I will start to make note of each incidence and the duration this year. . I have just a few more years before I can retire and do something constructive about this.
Broch is very sick. I think he will have to be put to sleep this month. It makes me sad, but we still have Hamish to think of.