The Mask You Live In - Trailer

Be Still. The Hanging Gardens were a Dream

By Trumbull Stickney
 

Be still. The Hanging Gardens were a dream

That over Persian roses flew to kiss

The curlèd lashes of Semiramis.

Troy never was, nor green Skamander stream.

Provence and Troubadour are merest lies

The glorious hair of Venice was a beam

Made within Titian’s eye. The sunsets seem,

The world is very old and nothing is.

Be still. Thou foolish thing, thou canst not wake,

Nor thy tears wedge thy soldered lids apart,

But patter in the darkness of thy heart.

Thy brain is plagued. Thou art a frighted owl

Blind with the light of life thou ’ldst not forsake,

And Error loves and nourishes thy soul.

Live Blindly

Live Blindly

 Live blindly and upon the hour. The Lord,
Who was the Future, died full long ago.
Knowledge which is the Past is folly. Go,
Poor, child, and be not to thyself abhorred.
Around thine earth sun-winged winds do blow
And planets roll; a meteor draws his sword;
The rainbow breaks his seven-coloured chord
And the long strips of river-silver flow:
Awake! Give thyself to the lovely hours.
Drinking their lips, catch thou the dream in flight
About their fragile hairs' aerial gold.
Thou art divine, thou livest,—as of old
Apollo springing naked to the light,
And all his island shivered into flowers.

~ Trumbull Stickney

Hot Pepper Shakespeare: Hamlet

Alan Rickman If I die young

A place to save fan fic addresses

http://www.snarry.net/viewstory.php?sid=345      S is H' cat for a few months. Sweet story

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/4908796/chapters/11260732   j j restore s n

 http://archiveofourown.org/series/370646     JOHN AND jOHNS EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/4211769/chapters/9518571           j&j  CONVERGENCE

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/4689131   Childermass teaching S to read the cards

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/4129050?view_adult=true#ref7       Segundas does Chertsey's spell fun


 http://jsmn-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1273.html?thread=5881#cmt5881   Perfect! J/J meeting in the woods

 http://archiveofourown.org/series/110             Really good snarry saving Severus.

 http://archiveofourown.org/works/2804879              Fantastic Murder Mystery Inspectors Drarry

Alan reads Shakespeare's Sonnet 130

fanfic The best writing

http://www.snarry.net/viewstory.php?sid=35

I hope it goes to the right story. It is the best thing I've read in years.  I know I've said that before, but bits of it hurt.

Ok, so rereading it seems that most of the best bits were quotes from other writers. However they were incorporated into spots seamlessly. A patchwork god.  Of course the whole thing wasn't quite on the same level and then Plunk It ended.
IT does help me work on my own writing. That's cathartic though and will never be fit to publish here or anywhere.

I had a great birthday surprise from the workmates. Burritos yesterday and today Cake! With leftover burrito stuff.  It was sweet of them and mostly homemade. Good food.

I have had few problems with overwhelming dysphoric feelings since I set up appointments until today. Wanted to cut my throat and crawl out of my skin for a few hours this morning. I threw myself into teaching and lunchtime art room fun. Nothing like surrounding yourself with 30 1st and 2nd graders Needing to paint their mom a valentine. It eased rapidly. Simply replacing one form of madness for another.

Alan Rickman Read "The Return of the Native" by Thomas Hardy

voice coach

Alan Rickman ~ My Immortal

Will Young - Brave Man

I missed this one

Broc

Sweet dreams my heart.

Another day, another "Sorry, I'm not accepting new patients." "I have no appointments availabe" (that one seemed odd). 
Then again, I went to a workshop today on mental health etc. for para educators., We learned that....
47% of all our students have debilitating mental health issues. Basically we are killing our children and ourselves with stress.
Two and two means we are all so damaged those therapists are overburdened with clients.
I can't blame them if some of them read that gender issues sentence I offered and stepped away from the mess. 
Today was fabulously gay. Who knew that so many aides were a bit bent. The presenter was the cutest man I have seen in many years too. It was a great time as long as I could focus on the entertainment. The rest of the day was mostly 9 and way to many 10s. I had an easy time of moving the 10 thoughts back down and remembering how short life is. Also I thought of or didn't think of anything at all. Or tried. maybe I am not doing it right. I will keep trying it even though it doesn't seem to make sense to constantly be in this not mindfulness state. How can not thinking be called mindfulness? More I guess psychologists can be all psyche psycho     just like we can be all artsy fartsy. Whatever works. 
I have spent most of my  free time at home reading or doing something mindlessly absorbing. I need to stop hiding behind cheesy soft porn fan fic though.
Long week for such a short one. It's all over in 20 years more or probably less.

Alan Rickman

I wanted to grow old watching him. He should have lived to inspire us for many more years. . People who really knew how to live life fully without holding back die too soon. So many of us left here who are absolutely useless wastes of space. We hang on for no apparent reason, habit I suppose. Too afraid to live or die. One of those nights where the emptiness echoes.

This Tortoise Could Save a Life - Ft. Alan Rickman

“Actors are agents of change,” he said. “A film, a piece of theatre, a
piece of music, or a book can make a difference. It can change the
world.” Another Alan. Rickman

jan 10

Another day, bad. It was not good, but tomorrow back to work.  The more I think obout it the more problems I see ahead. Do I need even one more aggravation?

again

It's back again. I am thinking about it. I was busy for a few days, but waiting here. seeing no end in site is just so depressing. I do one thing to pick myself up and a million other things kick me down. WTH. I have the dog and the caretaker role and the mom role and that's the only reason to keep going.

On a good day

Jan 9

I feel like I have evened out again. The last few days were mostly 5 with a few difficult moments. Just moments though. not the whole day or a few hours
Yesterday I called and got connected with CHIPA to see if a single case payement could be set up with this therapist. It will take more money than I can spare, but I need to talk to someone about this finally. It isn't easy to find a therapist to take people with gender issues around here. You would think that southern CA isn't the deep south. It is here.  I saw a really cute guy on ftm dating today. closer to my age. Across the country. I am off to see if I can find more postmeno T information.  Besides all the bad stuff that will happen to my heart and blood and bones.

 Yesterday Broc decided to live a little while longer. He ate almost a whole can of chicken..

Jan 4 5

Yesterday was ok about a usual day so I'd say 5. I buried myself in a novel except for an errand and taking care of Mom and Broc.. It was not so good, but not terrible either.
This am. was Terrible  So far I have never,well almost never, had a break down and cried anywhere except alone episode. Just because some tall guy stood behind us in line at the market.  I was just hyper aware of male bodies. and mine in comparison. 
So, I didn't go too obviously crazy, just shaky and teary and having a hard time breathing. I didn't think aobut suicide much. so I guess a 8 or 9. I am looking for a therapist who takes my insurance right now. Maybe one or two in town. It's  hard to find a referral service that is up to date.
yesterday 5
today 8 9

I

Cumming The Fragrance

Alan Cumming sings "Why"

Crush or crushed, I'd like to be him or fuck him? I need a new brain.

Its another one of those days. I just woke up that way. Dreams male and female and both useless. I should use a scale, one to ten. Ten being a final decision.
Today so far a 8 or 9.
I can't wait to get back to work and just bury myself in it. 

 Broc is very sick still. So probably this week I'll put him down. 12 years it's hard, but he is suffering. A few more days to make sure he wont get over it this time.  

depressioan

I think that the problem is the season. Holidays and  my birthday are just a bad time of year. I have been  feeling worse and worse since Nov.  I  don't think I've felt this dysphoria so pronounced and for such a length of time.  A month of not being able to shove it behind me has been almost too much.  I know of nothing that will help. I still don't want to do anything about changing. It's a damned if you do or don't thing.  I did decide to keep track of this on the blog. So

The worst dysphoria started the week before solstice.

What was I doing? Not much, a little shopping, Reading Strange and Norrell fanfic. I'd been reading Snape fanfic though and that is about when it started really hurting.
Reading trash? Not getting enough exercise? The sheer stupidity and uselessness and hopelessness of my life

Until this morning, it continued badly. I even thought of calling the hotline but I know there is no solution except waiting the worst of the depression out. And I would end up feeling like I was taking someones time from someone who really needed help. I know I can get through this. I will distract myself with something new soon. The joys of having a chicken brain.
 I will start to make note of each incidence and the duration this year. . I have just a few more years before I can retire and do something constructive about this.
Broch is very sick. I think he will have to be put to sleep this month. It makes me sad, but we still have Hamish to think of.